If you ask me, the best thing we, as mothers, can give to our children is an example of a well lived life. And I believe that a happy mother has a better chance to raise independent, confident and kind children. 

But what makes a mother happy varies from woman to woman and culture to culture. There are as many shades of happiness as there are mothers and yet, the general assumption is that a woman should be fulfilled with her role as a mother. I know, we’re not living in the 50s but have a chat with a few people and you’ll likely find that some of those old-fashioned assumptions about motherhood are still strong in people’s minds. Hell, you might find them in your own head. Like I did.

For me, working and growing as a person is something I need and want with or without children. This became clearer after having my second baby.

When I learned I was pregnant with my second child, I started planning what my life would be like. I knew (thankfully) that we would have some tough times ahead adjusting and that the first year would be the hardest. With that in mind, I decided to focus on becoming a harmonious family of 4 and getting back into shape; nothing else. No work, no projects, just these 2 things. 

Being prepared helped. Having a first child who accepted the newborn better than expected also helped immensely. Having help in the house with cleaning and some cooking was golden. And of course, having a healthy child who breastfed and slept OK at night was magic.

So I found myself drawn to doing something else: to reading, to watching training videos, to thinking about the future. I did more than I expected but I also felt tired. So one day, after sleeping badly and having a cranky baby to sooth during the day, I wondered: why do I do it all? Why read, listen to audio books, write, launch a new business, help my current business? Why not do none of these things and just focus on the babies and getting into shape (as I promised myself I would)?

In that moment of honesty I had to admit that I was in a fortunate position and did not need to do any of those things to financially sustain my family. And yet, I realized I did need to do them to stay sane, balanced, patient, kind, loving. 

Yes, all of the things that were work/growth related had a larger benefit: they made me feel alive, energized. Simply put they kept me happy. I felt shame, guilt, doubt and a few other things we don’t often talk about when we talk about motherhood but there it was, the truth: I am a mother who’s not fulfilled by just being a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy motherhood and love the chance to grow as a person by being a mother to my children. But I want more.

Making time for myself is often the hardest thing.

One of the difficult lessons for me was to learn that if I wanted to keep learning and growing while being a mother and partner, I would have to make time for it. For me this worked if I was up before everyone else. If I get my morning alone, even if it’s just 1 hour or less, I am a better human being. Whenever I did not prioritize on something related to my personal learning and growth, it would not happen and in time this would frustrate me. We now take turns with my husband to each have some mornings free to ourselves. It’s not ideal but it works and I wrote about my whole planning process here.

Tiredness comes into play often so I want to share how I manage the situations when I am too tired to wake up early, for example. On those days I pick 1 thing to do for myself; maybe it’s reading 10 pages, maybe it’s writing down some ideas for articles, anything. I pick something that does not require a lot of focused time because I tend not to have time when the kids are up AND I have little real focus because I am tired. I usually manage to do that 1 thing and it’s enough to make me feel OK about my day. And of course, there are days when the one thing I decide to do is focus on resting, nothing else. What I don’t do is push myself to finish something or drink lots of coffee. This means that if I have deadlines, I work from very early on to make sure I finish no matter how slow my progress is.

Does this make me happy? Content? I’d say it brings me joy. I love creating and building things; that’s why I love being an entrepreneur and writing. My gut tells me that if I pursue consistently something that brings me joy, the sum will be a well lived life. My hope is that this will not only benefit me but be a good model for those around me, especially for my children.

Before concluding, I want to address something important. I believe culture plays a huge role in what’s expected of women. As a Romanian I notice that mothers are generally expected to be the main parenting figure, to feel being a mother is enough, to even lose some of their sensuality when they become mothers, to sacrifice themselves for the others in the family. It’s not to say they don’t work, they actually do. In some respect, I find that often Romanian women are both emancipated AND trying to fit the cultural expectations associated to motherhood. That’s for many mothers out there double the workload.

Motherhood has never been easy and in many ways being a mother now is a walk in the park compared to what previous generations experienced. Yet, I find we still don’t talk enough about how we experience motherhood and there is sadly plenty of judgement among mothers themselves.

Now you know where I stand. I would love to know about you and your thoughts on the topic.

P.S. And do sign up below to get my newsletters. Parenting is often a topic among the bits about entrepreneurship.