Answer: Use “How Come” Instead Of “Why”

It’s perhaps the simplest yet most powerful thing you can do while in an argument or even a normal discussion. Try it next time you are in a situation where tension is building up.

As you talk to someone, anytime you are tempted to ask “why?”, for any reason, use “how come?”. Try it for the fun of it with a friend. See how you feel when you get asked “why” and how you feel when you get asked “how come”. 

“Why didn’t you come?” vs “How come you didn’t come?”

Or

“Why did you think X?” vs “How come you thought X?”

Sense the difference?

If you are like me, the “why” will generate a feeling of defense; stronger or milder, depending on the situation you’re in. “How come”, on the other hand, will make you feel relaxed, in a discussion with someone genuinely interested in finding out a useful piece of information. The “why” makes me feel defensive because it often (I learned) hides the perception that that one asking knows better than I. It makes it hard not to defend my point of view or become irritated; not impossible but it’s difficult.

However, when someone asks “how come”, the reaction I have is different. I want to rephrase, explain, describe so that my point is clearer. Not better, just clearer. It’s almost as if being asked “why” invites conflict while “how come” invites collaboration.

In transactional analysis terms, “why” hides the fact that someone is not-OK while “how come” assumes everyone is OK. I am OK, you are OK. 

But test it next time you have an opportunity. See what happens. Then let me know. 

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